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I had a dream a year ago about the earth being engulfed in the sun and being carried away by aliens (not because I was special, mind you, they just were short on time and couldn't find the nobel laureate on their list, and, well, there was an empty seat...), so when I read the spoilers for Knowing, I figured I'd have to see the movie, eventually. But nothing prepared me for how truly awful it was. I really liked Alex Proyas' previous work in Dark City and The Crow, and I guess if I don't blame him for the badly-written script or the atrocious acting, at least the style and special effects were pretty awesome.

But here's the thing. This is a great idea for a movie. It's kinda like The Day The Earth Stood Still, but creepier, less judgmental, and ultimately far sadder. But then someone handed the idea to a goddamn psycho Christian with a huge chip on his shoulder and a need to soak the entire story in Bible piss. I mean, I could almost forgive the not-so-subtle jibes throughout the film that the only reason the protagonist is an atheist is because his wife died and he's just so broken up about it that he's decided there can be no meaning in the universe. It seems to be a common preconception among Christians who have never actually spoken to an atheist in their entire lives. And the whole pre-determinism is actually fine by me, since I have a thing for old greek plays and watching people try to escape inescapable fates.

The biggest thing that made me want to rip the DVD from the player and jump up and down on it was the constant OMG-It's-Aliens-But-Really-It's-Christian-Mythology!!!! There are 4 aliens. Yeah, 4. And they have little energy wings. And there are Signs and Prophecies, get it? And the Apocalypse - guess what, it's Scientific, sort of (the inaccuracies of the movie are a whole 'nother rant). But it's still the Apocalypse, except in this version, apparently the only ones righteous enough to be saved are cute little white kids. The rest of the human race (and the animal kingdom, barring fluffy white bunnies, it seemed) are Left Below To Burn. And if you weren't gagging on the symbolism yet, there's the epilogue, where the (adam and eve pairs of) little children are left on a new (Eden-esque) planet WITH A FUCKING BIG WHITE TREE. Oooh, that was subtle. I almost expected to see the aliens wearing Mormon aprons, but I guess whoever the Christian source was for this piece of shit didn't realize that his brilliant idea was thought up 150 years ago by an equally narcissistic fiction writer in New York.

Forget getting those two hours of my life back, I'm pissed that I can't erase that preachy, brow-beating, MarySue White Chosen People annoying shrill whine from my head entirely. There is not enough booze in the world.